This Endeavor Has Failed
That's the reality of the end of my tenure at [redacted]. This organization is a disaster and my endeavor has ended in failure. On top of the deep structural issues at the company, I feel a bit like I have failed, too. This recent tease of an opportunity can only feel like a failure. [redacted] recommended me on her way out. I expressed interest. It was surely talked about at leadership meetings and... crickets. I could have been more aggressive, absolutely. That's a failure on my part. But, it also feels like a rejection for a role I had never considered until I got my hopes up about it. That's why it feels like a failure. Because it feels like a rejection.
There may be other ways to interpret this, or other things going on. But in this moment, that's the only way I am able to view this.
It's the realization that I was right back in July. It's frustration that I got excited about something just to get hurt. It's the sadness that this endeavor truly has failed.
But, it was not all for naught. I learned more in the past few years than in my life up to that point. And more in the past few months than even that. I have sharpened important technical skills. I have found what does and does not work for me - incredibly important signal on my eventual right match.
Sidebar. Maybe a u-turn.
That's part of the pain. I thought this was the right match. Well, it was. Until it wasn't. I am not the same as I was in 2022. In many ways, yes of course I am, but in so so so many more I am not in the slightest. The match was right for that version of me.
And now this next, emerging, version of me is dissatisfied. I am no longer in the right role, place, company, position... But I have only gotten to this version by evolving. And I have only evolved through learning that
I love being technical and I am pretty damn good with data. However, I get bored and struggle to stick to one linear progression. Maintenance and debugging bore me and project management physically hurts me. I am most stimulated when engaged with deep learning and solving problems. I want to be recognized for my work and "at the table" in strategic meetings. I have felt passed over, ignored and that my career progression did not matter to [redacted]. That upsets me as I have an unmet need to feel valued. I don't like remote work, but cannot adhere to a full in office commitment. I need optionality to have my dad my way - or rather, the way my ADHD dictates. I need to work in an environment that understands that ADHD is a genuine struggle and that sometimes I am not the one in control and I need the freedom to deal with that healthily.
I need people, until I don't. I need alone time, until I don't. I need my undisturbed focus hours, until I don't.
I need competent fucking founders with at least clarity of vision so I can help get us there. I need a challenge that ignites me like [redacted] did three years ago. This endeavor has given me so much, not least of which an insight into how not to do things. Maybe I will learn from that as I move into my next.
So yes, this endeavor has failed in so many ways. But in so many more, it has been exactly what I needed.