And to all, a good night! (except the C suite)
It's been a hell of a week. On Tuesday, my company announced another round of layoffs, the fourth since I joined in early 2022. For reasons unknown, that morning, this one hit harder than the last. Maybe it was because it was so soon after our summer culling. Maybe because it is so close to Christmas. For the record, my job was safe but not losing your job doesn't mark you unaffected by the layoff. I think this time there was an element of shock. Not that another layoff was going to happen, but there were some integral team members that are just gone, now. True A+ people that I thought were core members of this company, advancing the mission or whatever. Gone.
Now, for context, there were less than 10 people which may not seem severe in light of the massive layoffs hitting our news cycle every month this year. But, with our headcount now in the 30s, this was a big blow. And I felt it. I braced myself for the all-company meeting, ready to hear what bullshit our leaders would spew this time, and then I left and took back my day. I walked for a long time, trying to figure out why I could weather the last 3 and carry on while, this time, I felt nothing but despair and sadness.
It couldn't be just my lack of faith in leadership, it couldn't be just my doubts about the direction we were going, it couldn't just be my burnout, it couldn't just be my aimless wandering these past few weeks...
So, I walked and I thought and I sent messages of consolation and support to my now-jobless teammates, and I knew to not go home and get sucked into the gravitational pull of the couch. So, I went to the gym and I tried to quiet my mind with exercise. Didn't quite work. I grabbed a book and stayed in the sauna as long as I could, trying to quiet my mind. Didn't quite work. But, then I went home. And the right music came on, and my mood turned, and I felt a weirdly light happiness. I grabbed my wife and we went to eat dinner with friends and I just let it all... disappear. In a moment of clarity I had a thought that I felt almost like I had reached acceptance. But I wasn't grieving, right? So, that couldn't make sense. However, I let myself pull on this thread and jumped on the train and explored this explanation for how I was feeling.
I was, in a way, experiencing grief. I had ignored my burnout for months and powered through warning signs right into a valley I called being lost that a medical professional might have otherwise coined, Depression. When I think back to my fondest memories at this company, they're years ago with people who have long since moved on (several laid off, many of their own accord). I have known for a while now this thing was a sinking ship, but believed I could save it. Or that it was worth saving. Hell, for a brief moment back in October I entertained the thought that it could be worthwhile experience to stay until the bitter end.
But, I've been longing for an out. For a new path forward. And when the cycle repeated and reminded me that nothing ever changes and that this enterprise is a burning failure, it set me free. So, here I am. Free as a bird.
(Almost. I will quit after the holidays.)
Happy Friday